Moms, Dads...Please, please do NOT blame yourselves if your child is suffering from an eating disorder.  There are countless situations which lead to the emergence of an eating disorder, and within those, yes of course you have played some role. However, let's face it, you have played a role in shaping EVERY PART of your child's total being, and that includes all the awesome qualities that are a part of who your child is. And there are many influences in a child's life beyond your influence INCLUDING brain chemistry and heredity. The best thing to do is not to get stuck in the past, or even in the present, but to move forward from this point on. The absolute best way to do that is to help your daughter win the war that is going on in HER MIND. 

The Four Most Important Facts:
1) "Eating disorders" are the symptom, not the disease.
2) These sufferers do not recognize that they have any value.
3) Eating disorders are a fight for control in a world where these people feel powerless, helpless, and hopeless.  The paradox is that what begins as a fight for control and autonomy over their own body and their own life, eventually becomes a spiraling force that controls them.

And the most important and the most difficult fact:
4) RECOVERY IS COMPLETELY UP TO THE PERSON WITH THE EATING DISORDER. They can be brought to see every secular eating disorder expert, they can go to the best, most bible based counselors and therapists, they can be in the most expensive treatment centers, they can be hospitalized, they can be near death, however NOTHING will cure them until THEY are READY to be cured.

Moms, Dads, I know you want desperately to help, and it is a horrendous feeling as you begin to realize that you are powerless to "make" your child well. I know that nearly everything you say or do is met with anger, withdrawal, stony-faced silence, or tears promising to "be good" and to "do better". Tears and promises, yet denial and a stubborn refusal to change. Laughter and fun disappear from the home and everything is overshadowed by guilt, anxiety, desperation, frustration, anger, and panic.  The eating disorder and the sufferer begin to rule the home, and control/influence much in a family unit's day to day life. 

Two Suggestions:
1) Set boundaries.  The eating disorder sufferer is looking to control, and for control, but is also quite frightened at seeing authority bend and waver.

It is NOT okay for the eating disorder sufferer to control the activities of the family, nor the mood and tone of the family. It is also NOT okay for the eating disorder sufferer to influence others in the family regarding what to eat, where to eat, how to eat. 

To set the boundaries: Calm, relaxed conversation in a family meeting might be a good start.  Perhaps setting up a weekly schedule of family meetings where concerns and issues can be aired and where the focus can be turned towards LIFE. Talking about the role of God and focusing on a piece of Scripture as a discussion topic, or reading a short family devotional and discussing it are LIFE focused ideas.

Jesus said NO to inappropriate behavior:

• Demands. Luke 5:15-16 Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.
   
• Abuse. Luke 4:28-30 All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him down the cliff. But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.
   
• Entitlement.  Matthew 12:46-50 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."
   
• Manipulation.  Jesus said no to Peter and the disciples who had an inappropriate agenda for Jesus to a political king or military warrior rather than a sacrificial lamb.  Matthew 16:21-23 From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. "Never, Lord!" he said. "This shall never happen to you!" Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

2) Focus on the whole person.  It is very hard I know, but try not to focus on, or even comment on, weight loss, gain, physical appearance, or even food choices, both regarding your daughter, and extending outward regarding others. How you speak of others in these areas speaks volumes to your children about how they believe you may feel or think about them. 

Your daughter may view compliments on appearance as criticisms or judgments on what her prior appearance was like. Many simply cannot handle that because they aren't seeing what you, or others are. It also puts pressure on them that now there is a standard to maintain.  That tends to spiral into something overwhelming, often leading to a fall back into the eating disorder behavior that is "comfortable" in it's familiarity. Focusing on appearance even on how a particular article of clothing looks is again focusing on the superficial exterior.  None of this matters when the interior is crying out in pain. And actually, none of this should matter to any of us at all. If we say it's the inside that counts, our words and actions really need to follow that logic and biblical truth.

Remind your children on a daily basis that you love them. As unlovable and gross as their anorexic, bulimic, or compulsive overeating behavior may be, keeping it a focus won't make them change it. (And I assure you that they know you don't approve of it.) They really need to see through your actions that you truly mean the words "I love you". You certainly can tell them that they are beautiful, and I feel that's an important thing for them to hear, but it's so important to focus on what is beautiful, the inner self that gives the outer self the glow. As much as your daughter may crave reassurance of her physical beauty is as much as the concept of being physically beautiful may be overwhelming. Physical beauty ties into sexuality, and people with eating disorders have confused emotions about their sexuality, the attention it brings, etc.  It also brings up anxiety over reaching a media imposed standard that is unattainable, as well as insane, a particular view of physical perfection and all that "the world" seems to believe that the physical perfection provides or "buys".  Proverbs 31:30-31 says, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."  1 Peter 3:3-5 says, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful..."

L'chaim- To Life!